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Dear Wine Enthusiast,
This text is steeped in satire, gently aged in jest, and finished with a playful twist. Sip this narrative with an open mind and a generous pour of humour. Remember, wine is meant to be enjoyed, and so is this article. We promise no wine bottles were harmed in the writing of this text, though a few egos might be slightly bruised.
Vin Nature, or low-intervention wines, also known as “minimalist,” is still the buzzword in the wine world. Imagine yourself at a chic wine bar, surrounded by aficionados swirling their glasses with pretentious elegance. The talk of the night? Natural wine. Because nothing says “I am sophisticated” like drinking fermented grape juice with a splash of unpredictability.
Let us start with the big selling point: no sulphites, or very, very low amounts.
Apparently, sulphites are the devil of the wine world. Never mind that your body produces sulphites naturally and they are present in all sorts of foods. In the magical world of natural wine, sulphites are the villain. Sure, they stabilise wine and prevent it from turning into vinegar, but who needs stability when you can have unpredictability, right?
“Real natural wine must be chilled all the way to the consumer,” they say. It is a delicate flower, you see. Treat it like a carton of milk left out in the sun: with extreme caution. And heaven forbid it warms up a bit, or you might just end up with a bottle of something that smells like a biology experiment gone wrong.
You are not just paying for the wine; you are paying for the winemaker’s existential struggle against modernity. These artisans avoid technological nonsense, and some even choose to stomp grapes with their bare feet.
Some say women’s feet are better—a more delicate way to crush the grapes, or maybe it is just the winemaker’s fetish dream? The result?
A wine that might have floral notes or, just as likely, taste like liquid compost. But hey, it is all about the experience.
And if you have a “traditional” wine that does not sell so well, just sell it as a natural wine with a slightly higher price. Mix in some young influencers for marketing. Oh no, they do not do that. Oh yes, they do.
When it comes to regulation, natural wine is like the Wild West—anything goes. There are almost no universally accepted rules or standards defining “natural wine.” This laissez-faire approach lets winemakers do as they please, although they must still adhere to basic food and beverage regulations.
The lack of stringent guidelines means the winemaker can slap a “natural wine” label on their bottle, even if it barely meets any set principles. Sure, there are loose agreements, like using organically grown grapes and native yeasts and avoiding additives. But there is no official body ensuring these principles are followed.
So, what is really in the bottle? Ultimately, it comes down to putting your faith in the juice maker.
Interesting, juicy 8% from Japan. Fun to taste. Would we buy it? Nope.
Then there is the taste. Traditional wine undergoes a meticulous process to ensure consistency and quality. Natural wine? Not so much. You could get a delightful bottle that sings with vibrant, earthy flavours, or you could end up with something that has the bouquet of a barnyard and the taste to match. It is a gamble every time you uncork a bottle.
But that is the thrill, right? Who needs reliability when you can have the excitement of playing Russian roulette with your palate?
Natural wine enthusiasts rave about terroir—the unique characteristics imparted by the land. While conventional wines also celebrate terroir, natural wines take it to the next level. Imagine terroir so “authentic” that you can taste every insect, weed, and speck of dirt that touched the grapes. It is like drinking the vineyard itself.
A true sommelier’s dream, or nightmare, depending on your tolerance for “earthiness.
Some green grapes from the supermarket, sorry, did not have a vineyard around.
A myth as old as wine itself: natural wine spares you from the dreaded hangover. Picture this: you are sipping on a glass of organic nectar, confident you will wake up fresh as a daisy. Reality check! The primary culprit behind hangovers is alcohol, and natural wine is no exception.
“You do not get a hangover from natural wines because you do not drink so much of it.”
Studies, including those from USC’s Davies Institute, reveal that dehydration and alcohol byproducts cause hangovers, not the sulphites or additives found in conventional wines. So, the next time someone claims their natural wine is a hangover-free miracle, take it with a grain of salt—and perhaps a large glass of water.
Natural wine has found a passionate following among the hipster elite. If it is obscure, inconsistent, and overpriced, it is hipster gold. You are not just drinking wine; you are making a statement. You are rejecting the industrial, the predictable, the mainstream. Instead, you are embracing the raw, the unfiltered, the avant-garde. Every sip is a rebellion against the norm.
Or at least, that is what you tell yourself as you choke down a glass that tastes suspiciously like fizzy apple cider mixed with gym socks.
In the end, Vin Nature is a circus of epic proportions. It is filled with passionate producers, dedicated drinkers, and a whole lot of marketing magic. It is a world where the lack of regulation is spun as freedom, unpredictability is sold as charm, and high prices are justified as the cost of purity. So next time you are tempted by a bottle of natural wine, just remember: you are buying more than just a drink. You are buying into an ideology, a movement, and a grand, intoxicating experiment.
Cheers to the adventure. May your bottle be more delightful than disastrous. And if it’s not, well, at least you’ll have a memorable story to share.
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Remember, no matter what you prefer—whether it is a bag-in-box, from the bargain bin, natural wine, or Champagne—it is always your taste that counts!
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Note that this text specifically focuses on natural wine, distinct from biodynamic or organic wines, which have regulation. Currently, the Syndicat de défense des Vins Naturels (SDVN) is working towards regulating natural wines under the label “Vin méthode Nature.” So, there is hope for a little more order in the chaos of natural wine!
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